How Stephenie Meyer Is Ruining My Life

Let's be honest. The Twilight saga is not exactly the most witty, charming, well-written stuff every produced in literature. In fact, it's pretty much downright crap. Baby Sis and I have spent an inordinate amount of time dissecting why these books are so appealing and not really coming up with a reason that satisfies. There is something to be said, though, for epic love stories and no teenage girl can resist that. And apparently no woman in her thirties can either because I have been sucked in by those books.

I read the first two before we saw the movie and then bought the last copies of the last two at Target last weekend. They're a pretty fast read, despite the length of them, and I had finished both books by the time Monday night rolled around (I have a disgusting capacity for fast reading which drives my family insane because I also retain about 99% of what I read when I read that fast. And since I rarely, if ever, read a book just once [it has to be a really horribly written book for me to read it just once], that 1% I miss the first time around I catch on the second).

I don't think they're especially great literature and she can't write characterization for shit, but there is something to be said for the plot. It's kind of addictive. And forbidden love is such a tempting subject. It would be nice if the so-called heroine of the story were a little bit more likable (the way she tortures herself, Jacob, and Edward makes me want to slap her, often. One of the last two books mentions Wuthering Heights a few times and has a horrified Bella drawing comparisons to herself and Cathy and I actually liked that part of it. My feelings on Wuthering Heights are well documented: incredible descriptive prose (really, Emily Bronte was gifted), but the most unlikable characters ever to appear as protagonists in literature. My loathing for Cathy and Heathcliff make it hard for me to read that book more than once every couple years, but the literary critic and English lit devotee in me knows it's an incredibly important piece of literature. Plus, I just like Bronte's rhythms. Her writing is a little more complex than Charlotte Bronte's and definitely has more depth to it than Anne's did (although The Tenant of Wildfell Hall is a great read).

Still, the books are addictive and I can't put them down. I will probably end up re-reading the series within the next few weeks and I can't figure out for the life of me why.

It's the plot of the whole series, really. The first book is the most poorly written; like Rowling, Meyer got better at it as she went along; unlike Rowling, though, the books didn't get more entertaining as she went along. The last book has the least consistency: she switches from Bella's POV after almost 200 pages to Jacob's, then switches back to Bella's another 250 pages or so later. I heard a rumor that she's written the saga from Edward's POV and I would be interested to read that. In a more competent writer's hands, I think these books could be even more powerful. She's not great with imagery in the sense that she doesn't make you feel like you're there. You get a sense of what things look like, but not the breathless sense of being there with the characters. And Edward's supposed to be this perfect man and Bella's devotion to him so all-consuming she'd willing to give up her humanity for him, but I couldn't understand what about her he loved and why she fell in love with him either. There just didn't seem to be a catalyst there that made me go, "God, no wonder."

Plus, the stuff on sex in there is pretty funny. She's definitely promoting abstinence in these books, unless you're married, and even then there's not really any sex without consequences. I was surprised that she included some non-explicit love scenes, but these kids probably know more about sex than she does these days (if Gossip Girl and the other shows of its ilk are to be believed). When I was growing up, books aimed at girls my age didn't even hint at sex like she does. The last two books are pretty centered on when, how, and where Bella and Edward are going to have sex and there's some innuendo there that would be pretty tame for a book at adults, but seems racy to me for books aimed at a younger audience. Of course, kids are having sex young these days (god, I feel a hundred and ten writing this), so maybe they think it's tame (I actually typed lame there by accident, but maybe they think it's lame, too). Also, it's all couched in these romantic moments that are supposed to seem heavenly and ultra-romantic and epic. And maybe they would be to a teenage girl who thinks sex and love are the same thing, but as a married, adult woman who's trying to get knocked up, they just seemed kind of... not cute because that's the wrong word, but maybe too contrived. Of course Bella and Edward are going to have great sex. Epic love stories would never disappoint the reader with bad sex. But the sex (and again, it's very non-explicit) is so idealized and no one's first time is ever that great. Not even if it is with a hot vampire.

The whole series is just addictive. Like I said, women are suckers for epic love stories. Lord knows if I could think of a good epic love story, I would try to write one. But I feel like every time I try to tell a love story, I'm sinking into cliches. And I loathe relying on contrivances to tell a story. It's a cop out.

PS Sox just signed Pedroia to a 6 year, 40.5 million deal. Cheap for the Sox, awesome for the fans. Now, if they'd just lock in Pap...