The Glory of White Trash

She's chewing gum.

She's chewing gum.

The white trash that is Britney Spears is chewing gum while being interviewed on Dateline. And she's so clearly lying about everything, because whenever Matt Lauer asks her about Kevin, she looks down at the ground. She's so totally lying. And even though she's pregnant, she looks fatter than pregnant.

Trust me, I wait on pregnant women all day long. There's bloated and then there's "My life is a shambles and I don't care how much weight I gain while pregnant." And she is definitely number 2.

Oh my god, she is such PWT (for the uninitiated: Poor White Trash).

Yet, I cannot stop watching.

Christ, her boobs are popping out of her shirt. She's such a trailer park princess. I mean, she's pregnant. Put those puppies away.

Anyway, I cannot stop watching. It's like when you're driving down the street and see a car accident and you can't stop. You have to stare. This interview is worse than a car accident. It's Armageddon.

She's CHEWING GUM. On DATELINE. Being interviewed by a man who's interviewed presidents, war hereos, etc. PWT Spears, I am ashamed of you!

Baby Sis is not watching this horrific event and I can't understand why not. This is just ripe for the two of us cackling. Baby sis just told me to stop watching this. I'm sorry Baby Sis, I love you and I respect your opinion immensely about almost everything, but I can't stop watching this. I can't. It's horrifically fascinating.

They gave her a terrible makeup job, her boobs are hanging out (she has DOUBLE BOOBAGE because her bra is too small and her shirt is too small). She looks like a whore. She looks like a whore who is fat, not pregnant from the boobs up.

And she just told Matt Lauer she won't talk about her baby because that's private. Private! Sweetie, if you want your child to be private, DON'T TAKE HIM PLACES AND ALMOST DROP HIM ON HIS HEAD. Don't be photographed with THE KID IN YOUR LAP WHILE DRIVING. Sweet fancy Jesus, you're stupid!

Why can't I stop watching this?

Here's the IM conversation I just had with baby sis:

Lucy: Please, please, please tell me you are the watching the white trash train wreck on Dateline right now, because I could live on this for weeks. She's chewing gum while being interviewed.
Auto response from Baby Sis: People living in glass houses shouldn't throw the chalupa, if you know what I'm saying.
Lucy: Crankster, I need you!! Please reply immediately!!
Baby Sis: I'm not watching. What?
Lucy: Britney Spears on dateline. It's both horrific and fascinating at the same time. It's frightening. And yet compelling.
Baby Sis: I'm sorry.
Lucy: She's CHEWING GUM. While being interviewed by Matt Lauer.
Baby Sis: Is she crying?
Lucy: Kind of. But she's definitely lying about being happily married. She looks at the floor and avoids all eye contact with Matt Lauer or the camera when she talks about being in love with her husband. And Julia Roberts should SUE her PWT ass
Baby Sis: Why?
Lucy: She compared herself to JR because they both fell in love with men who were with other women who had children with those said other women (Matt Lauer then had to clarify that JR's husband actually didn't have children so that Dateline wouldn't get sued)
Baby Sis: whatever helps the homewreckers sleep at night
Lucy: I swear to you, I can't stop watching it. It's horrifying. I feel like I need a shower.
Baby Sis: stop watching it
Lucy: I can't! It's half horrifying half fascinating. I'm horrified by the fascination. She's is such PWT and she DOESN'T KNOW IT.
Baby Sis: Turn it off, Sissy. Save your soul.
Lucy: I want to! But it's almost impossible. baby sis, she's CHEWING GUM. I can't handle it. And she has racoon eyes. The makeup: it's garish. The clothes: they're whorish. I can't stop watching it. Her boobs are everywhere!
Baby Sis: Sissy. Stop it. You can turn it off.
Baby Sis: I am going to go fold laundry now. Get yourself together.
Lucy: I can't. Baby sis, pray for me, please.
Baby Sis: I can't help you unless you help yourself.
Lucy: She just called Matt Lauer HONEY. It's tragic.
Baby Sis: STOP IT
Lucy: She doesn't know how pregnant she is! Sweet Fancy Jesus, go see a doctor!
Baby Sis: Sissy.
Baby Sis: I'm not talking to you anymore. I'm going to fold laundry. Turn off your television.
Lucy: I can't!!
Baby Sis: I have no sympathy for you.
Lucy: Please, please, please. She's scaring the children, Baby Sis! She's scaring the people watching this! She doesn't even know what home improvement is called (she calls it the redo shows!)
Baby Sis: Seriously, I'm walking away from the computer.

And she did. And Britney just blamed the streets and the press for almost dropping her kid. I'll buy that those things didn't help, but when you wear pants that are so damn long you need to be ten feet tall to see the cuffs, you're going to trip. Especially when you wear hooker heels.

And now she's trying to talk about religion. And she's going to design baby clothes.

I'm telling you. Life as we know it is ending.

The interview is almost over. I'm now going to shower.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SPEARS, BRUSH YOUR GODDAMN HAIR.