Long Time Gone

I wish I could explain the awesomeness and terror of motherhood in words that don't make me sound like a moron.

Baby Starr is four and a half months old now and snoring away in his swing. He has a cold, which he kindly passed on to everyone in the house. Fortunately, I did not get it as badly as Omar and Baby Sis did. I can't take anything for it because I'm still breastfeeding, so I was really lucky not to be as sick as they were.

We brought Baby home from the hospital in the middle of an August heatwave. It was so hot we just let him hang out in a diaper. Now, it's January and we have him bundled up all the time. It seems weird so much time has passed. I look at pictures of him from the hospital, through September and October and then look at him now and I'm all, "Where is that scrawny little red thing I brought home?"

Breastfeeding alone was not giving him a big enough weight gain, even though it felt like he was eating every two hours for an hour at a time. We started supplementing him with formula and it was amazing how fast he packed on the pounds. He's still not big (my friend's son who is ten weeks younger actually weighed more than Baby Starr does now at the son's three month checkup and I know she's just breastfeeding), but the doctor doesn't think he ever will be. Omar and I are not tall people, so Baby Starr probably won't be either. He's over thirteen pounds now and all my friends' kids who are younger seem to be bigger than that.

He's still breastfeeding but I'm not as uptight about it as I was. At first, when they told me he wasn't gaining enough weight, I felt like it was my fault. And I worked really hard to get him to gain weight. I pumped after every feeding to increase my milk production, I drank this foul tea that was reported to increase milk, I nursed him every three hours like clockwork. But he still wasn't gaining enough so we started adding a few ounces of formula to every feeding and now, I have to admit, he's doing much better. He's fuller, he's sleeping better, he's much more lively.

He's also fun. He just laughed for the first time on New Year's Eve. He smiles and grabs at things and he loves to watch lights and tv screens and shiny things, which has made jewelry a challenge so I stopped wearing it at home. His new favorite thing to do is grab my finger, stick it in his mouth, rub it on his tongue, then push my finger out again before he starts it all over again. I think he's ready to start teething because he's a drool monster. He still hasn't rolled over yet, but I feel like he's getting there. He used to lay on my chest all the time and now when I put him there, he starts trying to roll over because that's what he does when he's on his tummy.

He likes it when we sing to him; his favorite for awhile - I kid you not here - was the theme song from the Batman tv show. Except when you're supposed to say Batman we would say, "Thomas!" He has these gorgeous blue eyes and the widest smile you've ever seen. He is just the happiest baby ever and I miss him so much when I'm at work I can't stand it.

I went back to work at the beginning of December and it's still weird to be there and not home with T. We were home together for nearly four months and we had a pretty good time. It is exhausting, though, to take care of him by myself for ten hours a day with no help and oftentimes no shower, no food breaks, and no naps for him or me. He would have these days where he just didn't want to be put down and those were always tough. There were some days I wouldn't even get a break to eat until three or four and by then I was so drained, physically and emotionally, I would just grab the first thing I could get my hands on. So even though most, if not all, my baby weight came off in the first three weeks (thank you, breastfeeding!), I gained back a little of it and am ridiculously out of shape. None of my pre-baby clothes fit and that's been hard to handle.

But it's a new year. I'm going back on Weight Watchers, will work out with my Wii Fit and once the weather stops sucking will go for walks with T. at night. Right now, though, I pick him up from daycare and the two of us just snuggle on the couch until Omar gets home and our whole night is about him and spending time with him. Weekends are my favorite because he's all mine and I don't have to give him over to anyone.

So even though it's been months since I sat down to catalogue my life here, it feels like hours. He's growing so quickly and he's so different now from what he was. He's truly the best part of my life and I did not know that the amount of love you feel for one person could increase day after day.

He'll be five months old in two weeks and that to me is the most bizarre thing in the world. Where did five months go? I waited so long for him, then the pregnancy just flew by. A year ago today, we were still reveling in the fact we were expecting him! Then it was suddenly August and there he was. I thought my maternity leave would feel longer, but nope. One minute I'm sitting on the couch watching TNT's daytime lineup, the next I'm back at work anxiously calling daycare to check on him. And I don't know where that time went at all.