Welcome to the Hellmouth

The Hellmouth is our new apartment. It's supposed to be a temporary place to live. Omar and I were going to put an offer on our dream house this week. A perfect 4 bedroom, 2 bath house with a big backyard and a new kitchen in the town where we want to live. Except Omar decided - and I went along with it because I didn't disagree strongly enough with him - that we should wait to put the offer out there until we had completed our move from our townhouse to the Hellmouth.

So just take a wild fucking guess what happened in the week and a half since we last spoke to our realtor?

If you guessed, someone else made an offer and the owners accepted it so now we're stuck here and having to start all over again to find a house that I'm not going to love even a fraction of the one we just missed out on then you win.

I can't stop crying. I have literally not stopped crying since Omar told me this. When he came home and told me, he said, "Are you mad at me?" and I answered him, "A little." Mostly, I am so, so sick to my stomach that eating dinner was an exercise in futility. I wanted to vomit the whole time. Even now, I'm so nauseous I can't help wondering why I bothered to eat.

We looked for this house FOREVER. We looked at houses for three months before we found this one. And now it's gone and we have to start all over. And we're stuck in this horrible apartment with everything we own still boxed up with this tiny little kitchen and this tiny little bathroom, surrounded by the smell of curry because every single other tenant on our floor and the one beneath us is Indian (and I don't mean to sound horrible about that, but it's a fact) in a town where I'm even further away from my friends and family where I don't know where anything is and I hate it. What was supposed to be temporary for four months suddenly looks less temporary and I can't handle that. I don't want to still be here in four months. I don't even want to be here now.

It's not like it's a bad place, because as apartments go it's one of the nicer ones I've lived in, but it's not home. It doesn't feel like home and it never will. Home was going to be that sweet little Cape we found and fell in love with. But because we had our priorities all screwed up, we lost it. Lesson learned, but what a horrible lesson it was. Omar asked the realtor if we could make a counter offer, but she told him that the other family had offered significantly more than what we would have offered.

I can't stop crying. I'm sitting here typing this with tears running down my face because I am so heartbroken right now that I don't know what else to do.

I got my promotion, which came with a raise, and I thought that maybe that was a sign that everything was starting to come together. The promotion, the house, maybe now we could focus more on the baby thing. But once again, nothing ever goes right for us and we've lost the one house we found that we both liked. We even lost the back up house, because there's an offer out on that as well.

So now we're starting at the beginning and I'm stuck here at the Hellmouth until we find something else. I hate it here. There's no privacy, there's no place to go if I want to be alone, there's not even a mall nearby if I want to just go someplace to browse or window shop. The only place near here is a freaking grocery store. And the traffic here is horrible. Getting into Boston took over an hour. That's not to say that traffic was always great coming out of Metro West, but it was better than the Expressway let me tell you. What a freaking nightmare that was yesterday.

I hate Tampa Bay. And I hate the Red Sox for losing to them twice this week. I pretty much hate everything and everyone right now. I'm so depressed about this house thing that I don't even know what to do. I can't even curl up with my comfort books and music because they're all still packed up in boxes. And my TiVo still isn't set up because we got rid of the phone and got broadband and I'm waiting for the wireless adapter to come to hook it up.

It's the place. It's sucking all my energy and all my positivity out of me. It's like it knows. Maybe it really is a Hellmouth. I just don't have the energy to deal with it right now. I'm too nauseous, upset and depressed to tackle it.

Crap. Now I need to blow my nose.