This Sorta Fairytale

Sometimes, I look at the Object of My Affection and I just marvel at the fact he picked me. Frankly, I don't think he's getting such a bargain. When I say I have been crazy lately, I'm not kidding. I've even considered buying a pregnancy test because I've been so hysterical lately I thought it might be a hormonal thing. But I switched my birth control pills a couple months ago, so that might be it, too.

I had a panic attack at work the other day. Full-blown crying, shaking, nausea, clammy and sweaty skin, feeling faint. It was horrific. I haven't had one of those since I was a teenager. Even then, they weren't that bad. It was my job that did that to me. I was walking into work and completely fell apart. Just lost it. And I realized that was it. I was done. I could not work at this place I once loved so very much.

I grew up there, at The Store. When I moved here, I didn't have anyone to lean on except Omar. All my friends from college were at home or back at school and I didn't keep in touch with anyone from high school. I made friends there, good friends who I've kept over the years. I developed new friendships there with people who've become like family to me. I got to be a real professional there. I put pieces of myself into that place, with the hours I worked and the care and thought I put into my job. And to hate it so much these past couple months has just broken my heart.

So I interviewed with a company that I think will be good for me. New Store offered me a job and I took it. I gave my notice a couple days ago and God was that weird. My staff is genuinely sorry to see me go. Which is nice, because I love them. They're good kids. Now I have this new opportunity coming to me and I'm not as excited as I feel I should be. I'm just so relieved to be leaving my job that I'm glad to be going somewhere new. I don't know that I'll love it at this new place, but I won't be having panic attacks, so bonus there.

So what with the panic attacks and the weird crying jags and the obsessive need to suddenly be near Omar all the time (I spent Labor Day sleeping at my parents' house and was completely incapable of being away from Omar when he walked in the door Tuesday night), it's not surprising that I feel like Omar's getting the raw end of the deal here. But tonight, when I got home from work and saw him laying on the floor studying, I just felt this rush of relief, this feeling that everything will be okay from now on because Omar and I are going to be fine and happy and married.

And I remembered why I wanted to chronicle this time between wedding and engagement. To remember how good it made me feel to be getting married to him. He's the best person I've ever known and he makes me want to be better too. I feel like with him I'm almost the person I think I am. I think we all keep this vision of ourselves in our heads, a vision that's not entirely accurate. It's the person we want to be. I know in my head I'm like twenty pounds thinner, confident, and successful. I'm self-assured and calm. With Omar, I'm all those things (except the 20 pounds thinner part). I wonder who he thinks he should be. I like him the way he is.